There were many noises before the darkness lifted. Tumbling steps, a gulping crowd and a booming slam. Until finally, the young professor was ushered in. He faced a sea of straight faces. Soldiers of all ranks, each asserting dominance over the other yet deferent to the next.

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He cleared his throat, and the last smile from the room.

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‘So,’ a superior voice began. ‘You are Professor…?'

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‘Clarence, sir. I am Professor William Clarence.’ He sheepishly rearranged himself.

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‘Professor Clarence, you may call me the Colonel.’ He paused. The silence slowly gained weight until it crushed Clarence into a submissive nod. The Colonel smiled. ‘We have requested your presence today as you are the top expert — it is heard — on these… Apes. Correct?’

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‘Yes, sir, that’s correct. The Bipedal Ape of the Fur-Head kind, a complex and mostly mysterious species that so far—‘

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‘Quite right, Professor. Quite right. Now, you must understand the confidential and sensitive nature of our conversation. Our civilisation is on the brink of war. Teetering at the very edge. Your knowledge may very well be our best weapon against these creatures. Our safety, indeed our very future, relies on understanding how they communicate.’

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Something squeaked in the intermittent silence. The Professor looked up at the crowd, the soldiers stared back blankly.

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He felt like suffocating. “I understand, Colonel. It would be my honour to assist you. These creatures, as you say, have quite a complex communication system.

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Thousands, if not millions of varieties exist, each entirely unique and cryptic in its own way,’ he smiled. ‘It’s a delicate matter, you see. Perhaps it may be more efficient if you could point at specific circumstances, which I will then duly translate, with pleasure, sir.’

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Silence returned. Heavier and longer than before. It seemed like an eternity to Clarence who stared directly into the Colonel’s bulging eyes.

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‘Start where it begins, Professor,’ he enunciated. ‘And quickly.’

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‘Indeed, sir. Excellent choice. I suppose everything begins with birth. The first distinction seems to occur according to region, after which sound will greatly differ from one location to an other. This can be narrowed down to the very tree they spawn from. Our research has allowed us to decipher many of the different land’s languages,’ he nodded proudly before swallowing solemnly. ‘Now, er, the real work begins with the second language.’

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‘The second language?’

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‘Yes, Colonel, sir. The first language is only the base layer, if you will, of their wider communication system.’

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‘What about the second language then?’ The Colonel barked.

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‘This is proving more difficult. We understand it as a species-wide secret. A sort of barrier against intruders. We have been able to gather traces of its existence over the years, it is however, mostly speculation.’

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‘Traces? Speculation? Professor, I hope you can see how I expect more from a man of your distinction.’

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‘Of course, sir. We understand it as a behavioural pattern which subtly nudges the social dynamic. So that although words are spoken, their meaning change enormously.’

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The Colonel craned in, ‘Telepathic, you mean?’

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‘Somewhat. It is particular to each Ape. It defines their place within the horde. Some are more fluent than others thus gaining influence, whereas other less talented Apes find themselves alienated.’

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‘Excellent!’ The Colonel cheered. ‘We shall use these alienated Apes to our advantage.’

 

‘Yes, sir.’ He smiled weakly, ‘Although these alienated Apes often develop new and different patterns that become a whole new puzzle.’

 

‘I beg your pardon?’ The Colonel’s smile wound down seemingly dimming the lights.

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‘Yes, it becomes, erm, a complete other secret code.’

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‘Preposterous,’ he gargled, ‘You’re saying it’s entirely different, again?’

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‘Exactly. In fact, we believe every Ape has a slightly unalike cryptic tongue that alters the meaning of the words they utter.’

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‘Professor! Not only is this information useless, it’s complete rubbish.’

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Another squeak reached out from the blue oblivion. One soldier was still proudly nodding along entirely unaware of the engulfing silence.

 

‘It’s a delicate matter, you see,’ He ventured. ‘The more we advance our study, the more variations are uncovered. It seems the entire species is divided into complex networks of mysterious messages.’

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‘Very well then, Professor! If it is so infinitely complicated, how do these creatures efficiently communicate with one another?’

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‘They do not, sir. They simply cannot. It is impossible. The majority of their helpless lives are spent decoding the complex nonsense they have created.’

 

The Colonel’s slimy features twitched. ‘Is that your conclusion, Professor?’

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‘Partially. Mostly it is their own, sir. Although tragically socially-challenged, these Apes have a fantastic capability of studying themselves.’

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He cackled and bubbles streamed across his face, ‘and I expect you walked above and across their land to personally ask them, have you?’

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‘Of course not, sir, that would be impossible. However, many of their ships have sunk with plenty of literature on the matter.’

 

The Colonel’s tentacle wrapped upon itself in a tight fist. ‘You ignorant fool! You are just as oblivious as the rest of us.’

 

‘As I say sir, if our research is correct, these creatures can barely accommodate themselves. I would not consider them a threat to our waters.’

 

But by then the current had turned sour and the soldiers had ebbed away. The Colonel himself took advantage of a wave and washed off. The Professor could finally swim back to his wreck in peace, and continue misunderstanding gibberish.